some random shit to get off my chest

it seems than the more I have to do , the less I know what to do, and the more tired I get, presumably from stressing about all the things I have to do. And here's the shit of it. I'll never get to the things I want to do , unless I finish the things I have to do. Or is it better to take care of my own needs first? Well that's just it, my own needs are the things I need to do also.... ugh.. guess like most things in life, i just need to learn to balance all of these things. I also have a hard time prioritizing. Just a few flaws to point out. I don't like to dwell on this kind of stuff, think that is partially why i put it here. Jesus , what a fucking Whiner I am...reading back.... what the fuck am I writing about here?

fucked over

It hurts when you've been fucked over
It hurts worse when you fucked yourself over
It hurts even worse when you've fucked yourself and people you love over

I've once again let myself down and I've let my son down and my girl.
feeling pretty useless atm

fold in

Interesting our automatic response to pain is to fold in to our selves. Hit your thumb with a with a hammer, What do you automatically do? fold over try to push the pain back inside, like the old nasty golf Joke.... More interesting is that this also applies for emotional pain , once you are hurt , you fold into yourself and shut every thing else out and try to push the pain back in... even more interesting than that, is out lack of ability to unfold ourselves again. No matter how hard we try, it seems there is some undetermined amount of time that one is required for healing, and there doesn't seem to be an specific formula for any specific person as to how long it will take, or when one can accurately say "I'm healed". Of coarse "healing" and "healed" are just ideas, I use the words as descriptors. that'll have to be another post.

road to waste

Last night I started driving on the road to waste

weeknights out

went out to a bar last night...
saw this comment the next day form a good friend...

"man im jealous you guys get to party on weekdays!"

I angrily wanted to respond with, "FUCK YOU, I'm Jealous that you don't, consider the alternative of having your kids taken from you, every week and trying to drown the hurt with alcohol, sounds fun huh!?!"

obviously I wouldn't say this, and I know this person didn't mean anything by it. It is just my own hurt wanting to lash out..

this is a good example of our human nature.. the grass is always greener.
my grass is greener because I get some freedoms to do want on weeknights, even though I fill it up with other shit I have to do. I do enjoy Tuesday nights, my girlfriend go out and have fun. but I'd take the greener grass of having my kids with me every night any day.

sometimes I hate being human, but I suppose if we were all perfect, there'd be no point of being.

so what to do here?...

It's easy to say be happy with the POS car you drive, because it runs well, but it's not a corvette... It's not as easy to say be happy with having your children taken from you. Then again, it could be worse. I could not be able to see them at all. I know some people who's children are in other countries. or worse yet dead.

then again things can Always be worse.

I know in my heart what the right answer is. The hard part is getting my brain and emotions to comply.

does every one have tics of different degrees? I have what could be described as tics but very mild. but it is feeling relief from rapid movements.... hmm

oh and did I forget to mention, I officially old... yes "gettin the band back together"...lol

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every time he seizes my heart breaks a little
helplessly watching his mind go

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this is a test ,... I am now blogging from my phone.... good times

I hate Mondays

the Sadness has just transferred form Sunday night to Monday morning. I know that I should just be happy for what I have, especially now that I have a little extra time with my kids, but just like it was before, as soon as I have to give them up, I'm overwhelmed by the silence, their voices still ringing in my head, followed by Sadness and emptiness. I'm usually able to pull myself out of it, but it sometimes takes longer than others.

unsigned music

Got some great stuff this weekend .. Thank you Mr Thermo
I also got word that a box of all my old tapes may exist in my parents attic soemwhere
can't wait to see what's in there.

new hobby

I think I'm gonna look around for old unsigned garage band cassette tapes
especially from the late 80's early 90's era.
I assume being in Seattle, there must be a TON out there..
just gotta figure out who has em.
some names that come to mind

Confused!?
El-Steiner
Sad Happy
Sedated Souls
Black Happy
Sexy Freud and the Ego Whips
the Versatellers
Dickweed
MyName
Black Atmosphere
Grunt Truck

'course these are just bands that I knew or knew of back then. I'd love to get my hands on these tapes, but the real Prize would be the ones that were never heard!

the best and the worst

Some of us always look for the good in everything thing and everyone. Some of us always look for the bad in everything and everyone. I believe there is good and bad in everything and everyone. I think the challenge for me is to be able to recognize and accept the good and bad for what it is, without allowing either to effect me. But the Draw of emotion and passion and Drama is generally to great for our species. I suppose we are always our own life's project

gritty little fingers

I didn't know that little finger prints on the window could make me so happy and so sad at the same time

Not Terribly eventful but, memorable evening

Last Night will stick out in my mind for a long time, even though nothing terrible exciting happened... and yet in a way it was exciting. In the sense that we take the little things for Granted. Like the fact that I live in one of the most beautiful areas in the country and that I have a AMAZING view form my Office window....

From Mudd Lust

From Mudd Lust

From Mudd Lust

From Mudd Lust

So Last night we went to up some furniture out in Sammammish that we found on craigslist for super cheap, score #1 So we took My Van which I'd not been Driving since I was handed (willing or not ) the Mazda 3, I was Glad I had it. I had forgotten how roomy, comfortable it was not to mention the amount of stuff you can pile in there.(2 broken down loft beds + mattress hardly filled much of the space.) I really enjoy the utility side of the van. We'd been debating getting rid of it, but I think we've decided to keep it and get rid of the sportcar. It will be missed for sure, but the van is way more practical (minus the gas costs!!). anyway so that was nice being reminded that I do actually like my van. we had some nice discussion on the way out there. it's rare that we get to just talk uninterrupted anymore. When We found the place the people were really nice, and we come to find out that the kids whose beds these where ( btw were hardly ever used, if at all) were the one's selling them as opposed to the parents, so the kids were out there with their dad helping to unload the piles of wood and screws, and were really excited to receive their own money. so that was cool too.
On the out we spontaneously decided to take the long way around back home ( something I love about my girlfriend, if she is always willing to fly off tha handle and do some pointless random thing with me, just for the sake of doing it)the back road was amazing! the moon was so bright we actually cut out the lights for a few minutes while driving ( I don't recommend this) and were still able to see the road. the road out of Sammammish toward Fall city is beautiful, even in the dark. then we decided to stop by Snoqualmie Falls. If you have not see them, they are one of the MOST beautiful sites of Washington State. and at night is Just as amazing if not more so, only because it's not as often you see something like this lit up in the pitch black... the rest of the way home, still awesome with the moon so bright.. and when we finally got Home, Lovey had some home work to do , so I decided to watch some TV before bed, I don't usually voluntarily turn on the TV but I didn't really feel like doing anything else. but I was glad I did cuz there was an old Clint Eastwood movie on!... anyway.. a good night

Time to clean

well as of today, I will no longer be among the undead. as cool as it sounds, I really
like being able to think and function properly, as opposed to wondering aimlessly
drooling just looking for my next victim ( or place to nap) I've quit the 2nd Job.
We've come to discover we're really not making enough to make the sleep deprivation worth while. While I lived on it when I was younger. I need my beauty sleep at least 8 hours....ok more realistically 4 or 5. but 2 or 3 is just not enough for me.

anyway, during my stint as a mindless Zombie, everything has become a MESS! I'm not an overly neat person, but things have gotten out of hand. My office = a mess. My Desk = a mess. my Cars (- the pinto, I haven't had a chance to mess it up yet) = a Mess, My House = a Mess. My paperwork = a mess... It has become so overwhelming that I don't even know what to do half the time.

I'm now among the living and am planning to spend the next few weeks Cleaning and organizing my life...(as well as catching up on some lost sleep) and it will feel good!

I'm not a terribly organized person, I tend to like to float along and see where life will take me. but there needs to be a Balance to this.

Sometimes I forget or lose my own motto... there is balance in everything, and in everything balance needs to be found... good place to stop.. gotta get to cleaning!

shoes

I got holes in the soles of ma shoes
wored right through that old black leather and through ma wollen socks too

I got holes in the soles of ma shoes
and I got a hole in the shoe of ma soul~~~

P.S.

I've GOT to get a radio for my office, at least intill we finish our bandwidth upgrade

Hearing things

so I always hear little snippits of something either form the radio or my own head or the background that I want to log for later writing, song writing or whatever. so I have all these little note books, paper scraps, text files on my computer, work phone personal phone etc. so I think I'm gonna start pulling them all together and putting them here.... let's start nnnnn.....nnnnnnnnnn.....nnnnnnnnNOW

this was this morning's..
Girl Complex.. a poisoned neck, or a poisoned dart in the neck .... I use my toungue for good reason

Back Home, the kids play with Leaves but now she's playing on the sickness of her mother, soon enough her husband, boyfriend, other

Muddy weather , hole in the sky shinin down by the ol mud hole
I'm sittin with muddy boots, just tryin to see my reflection
sun is a fleeting friend'

I got holes in the soles of ma shoes
wored right through that old black leather and through ma wollen socks too
I got holes in the soles of ma shoes
and I got a hole in the shoe of ma soul~~~

there is a ton more, but this'll be a good start

-end-