SHUT UP!

I posted something similar to this earlier...
through some reading and thought, I've come to realize, well rather reaffirmed, how much fucking noise is in my head. so many sights and sound of the outside world, but the loudest noise is my own thoughts. I've never really thought or at least grasped all the things that I am thinking through out a typical day, it's a constant stream... and most of it is pure shit.

the noise clouds my view of "reality" and really just makes my day to day life, confusing for lack of a better word, confusion seems to be the root of alot of unhappiness for me.

my goal now is to quiet. This is alot harder of a task than it seems

Tard

Sometimes I think I have this great grasp on things and people.
Someday's I feel like the most nieve social retard, this side of the Mississippi

I call it "VooDoo Loincloth"

Green E-mail

Hello everyone-

I’ve heard (but not received any actual emails) that there is growing concern over our paper usage, and indeed the types of paper we carry here at PB. I realize our green team works very hard to assuage the guilt that come with not being a totally paperless, sun-powered society, and I feel I should do my part to help. So, in this spirit of partnership renewed (thanks, in part, to a glorious Earth Day, complete with diesel-powered ticker-tape parade) with Mother Earth, I have made the following improvements in our purchasing:

All paper is now being purchased from the Farben-Nefarious Corporation. I have been guaranteed that not one tree has been cut down to make this paper, as it is extruded via Play-Doh-like machines from a substance known as ‘Soylent White’. They have given me verbal and written guarantees that this paper will not only preserve our forests, but actually assist in solving our pressing concerns of global overpopulation. I’m not exactly how this works, but I can only assume that they provide excellent, comprehensive insurance for their employees, or possibly some sort of overseas birth control education for those less fortunate than us, say, for instance, Portugal.

We will now receive toner from the FNC as well, bringing their new oceanic-preservation work to our, and the worlds, attention. For the ink they produce is no chemical mishmash, not some Elliot Bay death bringer, but produced from the ocean itself. I am talking of course of one of mans (and truly all of natures) most hated creatures, the class Cephalopoda, of the phylum Mollusca. We know these embodiments of evil as the squid, octopus, and nautilus. Countless tales of giant squid mercilessly attacking ships, whales, electric cars, fish, sea serpents, recycling plants, buoys, Atlantis, submersibles, elderly voters, and babies exist, and one company has bravely taken up the banner of Earth to eradicate this most heinous of sea-scourges. No longer will we, as land-loving bipedal caretakers of our planet, be threatened by these rotten, black-hearted thugs of the sea, seeking only to burst oil tankers and befoul our blue-green orb. And octopi drive SUVs and smoke cigars, so they have that against them, too.

So there we have the beginnings, what I would like to call the cloth pieces from which we shall make a ‘green’ quilt of sustainablility. Of course, it would be more relevant to lessen our transportation emissions, since we are in the top five states in the nation (at 52.4 percent) for percentage of CO2 emissions coming from those darn cars. According to a February report from the state's Department of Community, Trade & Economic Development, emissions from utilities make up just 16 percent of the 88.3 million metric tons of greenhouse gases, including CO2, our state produces annually. The real culprit, according to the report, is "transportation". Of course across the board, we are still better at the overall problem than most states, but why compare ourselves to Texas anyway?

Allen

eggy weggs

We colored eggs...and it was good.....

Social Toast

Norm and I were standing around his kitchen drinking coffee and toasting as usual.

Amongst other various topics the subject of the need for society came up..

I personally think it is time that we stop thinking in the "what's best for the whole", society type of standard and start thinking in a more individual based or small tribal type of mind set.

It seems that everything we do is controlled by some kind of society rule, or law. We spend the majority of our daily lives, doing what?... Working, the majority of us working for some nameless faceless "company" that really doesn't care if you have a family, or hobbies, or even a desire to work there. Working so we can live in society. Working to "contribute to society". What is society contributing to us? A forced way of life, whether we like it or not? Not only has society trained us to think that we NEED things like starbucks, tv, SUVs. but we are also FORCED by society to live this way. We have made our selves so dependant on money and social status that we could not live with out it even if we didn't want to. Our basic needs even….

-Food: You could grow a small garden, if you can afford to “own” your own land (in which you have to pay taxes for) although most of us that can afford to own land, probably work to much to be able to tend a garden. You could hunt for meat. But you’d have to make some trip far off into the wilderness to a place that will allow you to hunt, probably for a small fee, on top of the fee you had to pay for your hunting license, once again, assuming that you can do this on a weekend that you do not have to work, and actually succeed at killing some thing in that allotted time, cause other wise you are screwed for the week.

-Shelter: You, are not allowed to build your own house (or at least live in it) unless you go by specific guide lines and rules that are more often then not very difficult to comply with and “get permitted” for, some times taking YEARS to complete, and of coarse, the question lies, where does one live in the mean time?

Your only other option is to pay some ridiculous price ( ridiculous meaning, you’ll probably never pay it off in your life time) for some piece of shit house that looks very similar to every other house that is near by, so much that they are dubbed “cookie cutter houses”

-Water: ok, water is theoretically free, but is it? You have to pay to have it pumped to where you can drink it and have it filtered. True, you could probably live just fine on un filtered water, but it would take you a while of being sick and getting used to the ever changing nasty taste of it. Your other option would be to get it from a natural source, such as a lake….. I don’t know about where you live, but here in the Seattle area, the urban bodies of water are FOUL, and I for one would not drink out of it or swim in it ( but I’m a little weird like that) your best bet would be to go to a river, if you happen to have one accessible. Or go up into the mountains to gather glacier water, once again… who has the time to do this?

-Companionship: Here is something that is readily available everywhere you look, but here is the thing about this….. in this society based world, where status is the is as, if not more important or even equivalent to self worth. in this type of environment , it is rather difficult to find people that are real, or really who they seem to be, and worth putting your self out there for. I think most people kind of go through life half trusting people and making a lot of “acquaintances”, often based on their similarities in social standing or positioning, and calling them friends and lovers rather than finding real friends and lovers.

I’m sure I could go on, but I’m starting to feel like a Sad Bastard on some under medicated depression trip.

The saddest part is that this is not "big brother" or even necessarily "the government" (although Norm and I did go in to this too, see “social control”, to be possibly written later). No we did this our selves, we are our own big brother. a paradox I know , but none the less seems real enough to me.

One cannot decide to not work for society and go live in solitude and in a small group in any reasonably livable area.. because it is all "owned" and you will eventually be chased off by some main society member. Even if you were to purchase some land and create some sort of commune. you still have to pay some sort of land tax this meaning of coarse that you have to make money thus contributing to "society"

I don't think that there should be total anarchy per-say, just a higher level of individualism, and allowances and opportunity for that. For example if we were to square off in to small "tribes" of various sizes, those tribe could decide for them selves what law, ideals and values that they hold true. they could also choose for them selves what type of currency, or what type of value they'd give certain goods. These tribes could even trade amongst each other, introducing "new culture" so to speak.

With the variety of tribes in any given area, I would think that a person who is not necessarily a leader, self motivator, or simply doesn't have any interest in creating their own ideal, would find it easy to find a tribe, that caters more or less to their specific, ideal, this would promote individuality, with out having to be some sort of pioneer, or having to fall in line with the heard mentality and simply just do what every one else does. In this way I believe the tribe idea caters to many types of people (leader, followers, artists, liberal, and more structured type of people, and everything in-between.

Imagine a quilt each square being a different color, shape, size, texture... all these pieces sewn together as one to create one huge quilt.

so I've desided to post some artwork here too.
It'll just be my outlet.
I didn't like this one at first, but it kina grew on me.

one would guess.....

radio, people, traffic, nieghbors, train, voices, thoughts, memories.
I think I could use a good dose of silence.

This is Why I love Six Feet Under...
this is true death metal.
It is Hard hitting Metal, and ... It's about death...hence Death Metal

the funny thing is I don't listen to death metal for it's lyrical poetry, lol
but its Rawness and Energy, I some times tweek with the EQ so the lyrics are less pronounced.
and it becomes more of the raw tones of voice I'm listening to, rather than the words.

Enjoy the uplifting piece of art:

Remains Of You lyrics

You saw your life pass before your eyes
I watched your body twist in pain
Rotten bodies, dead
Leaking pussing limbs
Separated heads
Smell the rotten dead
Degenerating flesh
Mutilated after death
Moulded decayed skin
Decomposition
Bodily disintegration

I took an axe to your head
Chopping rotten flesh
Brain is seeping from the cracks in your skull
Blood drains from the holes in your torso
I took your life from you

Collapsed organs now rot and corrode
Your empty body - bloated
Pus clots on discolored skin
Lifeless abused remains
Remains of you
Nothing remains of you
Once alive
Now just a pile of flesh

Decomposition

Bodily disintegration

I took an axe to your head
Chopping rotten flesh
Brain is seeping from the cracks in your skull
Blood drains from the holes in your torso
I took your life from you

I violate the rotten dead
Bodies tortured, stiffened carnage
In my mind I need to kill
Amputate, cutting skin, through the bone
Disfigured human flesh
Leaking pussing limbs
Separated heads
Smell, the rotten dead

I took an axe to your head
Chopping rotten flesh
Brain is seeping from the cracks in your skull
Blood drains from the holes in your torso
I took your life from you

I defile the rotten corpse
Mutilated after death
Moulded decayed dead
Your empty body - bloated
Pus clots on discolored skin
Lifeless abused remains
Remains of you
Nothing remains of you..


A big thanks to Mr. Barnes, for keeping me goin

• sit in chair
• hold spoon lightly between fingers
• doze off
• drop spoon
• wake up
• write what you saw

Why are dreams more vivid when you are half awake, then when you are completely asleep? I personally rarely remember my dreams. If I do, it is only fuzzy glimpses and feelings. Then there are the very few that I actually remember, these are always the one's that are half in reality, half in sleep. I sometimes like to sleep with the tv or radio on, to kind of spark that half reality dreaming. When it works, and after I've fully come to awakens. I usually find it rather amusing how my mind has wrapped itself in and out of the input, causing a surreality, these are by far the most interesting.
If I thought I could survive, I would opt to constantly live in this surreality or better yet, be able to completely retreat into my own imagination and fully explore what is in there, experience its limitlessness. Call it escapism, I'm ok with it. I would love to experience how the imagination really works. Would I end up finding some sort of rhyme or reason for it? or pattern? or structure? or is it really a jumbled mess as it seems? Or possibly it is exactly a surreality. A liquid plane saturating and eroding the sands of our perceived reality? like a network of rivers over land. These waters being of coarse the murky unexplored depths of out world, that we see and admire and even swim in, but cannot completely survive in without drowning.
another theory I'd favor is that maybe the dreams are actually the reality, the real us.
and this life is actually the dream, the game we play in order to entertain our selves, much like a extremely rich person getting a job as a dishwasher, as a hobby rather than a way to make a living.

hmm time for some coffee and toast.
thanks Norm

in-famous

Why do most business people take them selves so friggin seriously?

even when they aren't, even when they're trying to crack a joke, it's like a
"witty, make myself sound like part of the working class team, even though i know I'm better
and get paid more" type of joke.

now, I'm not stereotyping.... ok yes I am, but all stereotypes stem from some truth of majority.

It isn't really my business, as each of us have our own lives to lead and own paths to take.
But I guess part of my path is rather despising the fact that a majority of people I run into, day to day, are not the people I run into. They are those people, plus a costume of who they think they should be. I can't stand the fakey fakey.

and what makes me sickest of all, is that I do it myself to some extent.
we all do because we are trained monkeys, trained to fit in to .... (insert money word).. stereotypes.....

gotta go

oh, yeah

they didn't tell me about you
you were a surprise to me
I wasn't looking for you but you found me

my muddled radius was so clouded I couldn't see beyond
my own fortress of protection.
you didn't break down the walls, instead you joined me inside and
painted the walls clear, so that I could see the outside.

how did you do this? i saw no action from you

splined wheels inside seized from disuse, I've noticed them churning again
from sparks to flame from flame to function, I feel my sleep disrupted
and I am seeing more clearly

Somewhere between blob and log

Why blog?...

Funny thing is, I really don't care if anyone ever reads it. It's just a nice thought, that there is something of me "out there"

and it's good therapy for bitching to no one in particular. My favorite part though
is that is doesn't have to make any sense to any one but me.

under water

Have you ever been swimming underwater and looked up to the sky?
How foreign, distorted, and unattainable it seems.
Felt the lack of air or space that touches your body?
You are completely sealed in this bubble of substance.

one must adapt to live in this environment, you must either grow or build gills
and become accustomed to never touching air.

just one fix

something I think about and experience my self...
the human ability to process, identify, and recognize a problem. Process, identify, and recognize it's origins. Know the proper steps to take in order to "fix" the problem, but yet somehow still be unable to "fix" it.

I'm referring to problems within ones self rather than say a broken machine.
this would theoretically mean

1.)
one does not want to fix the problem
2.)
the problem it self is serving some other purpose than simply being a problem
3.)
I am completely full of shit and the human ability I speak of is really only to see part of the problem.

I'd like to believe #2 but I have a feeling it's a combination of all three

___

On the other hand one could look at it from the view that it is all learning through patterns and repetition, which is seemingly ridiculous but when you look at it from a primary stand.. How did I learn to add and subtract?... patterns and repetition.

So How will i learn to overcome my own humanity..... "unf!"

that should be enough yammering retarded crap for now

Resonance

Most days I have some stupid song or another stuck in my head.
It just plays over and over and over in there, usually lasting a day or two
until the next one pops in there. They're usually songs I like or songs that are
really catchy, but then some times they are just REALLY annoying songs.

This happens with other things sometimes, like I'll here the last thing my son said to me before I left for work over and over, or the last thing that I said to some one, that I'm not sure if it came out right.

But then sometimes there are horrible sounds, sounds that make my veins contract, and my heart slow. those are the haunting ones that never stop, for days then maybe they lessen a bit into months and then they go away, but I still here them from time to time.

Like the sound of your infant child's scream, the first time they get jabbed with a needle, or a plastic feeding tube shoved down their nose, or the sound that a lovers heart makes as it's breaking, when you've hurt them again.

these sounds echo through a cavernous space as deep as your own soul.

apples to apples

when you cut an apple in half,
there is this side and that side
but the core is always the core.

When you take the core out and discard it
you are only left with pieces of an apple.

the pieces taste good, but if you leave them
with out a core for long, they turn brown and decay

the apple no longer tastes good

cloudin in ma 'ead

I see everything in a green tint, I'm looking through infected mucus
it burns my eyes if I don't hold them still. the glands have all fallen to the wayward.
I'm now alone in my own dark tunnels. the sticky thickness of the walls and floor
make it very difficult to move, and quite difficult and to concentrate.

the focal of this sickness is just off center my nose and below my right eye
though its tenticular veins coarse throughout the majority of the western hemisphere
of my skull. the focus is a dark burnt brown spot, almost like a hovering bruise.
it floats above my face but I cannot look around it. much like those spot you see
when you've looked into the sun.
this must be the encompassing symptom of well being damage.... a floating spot, a target.

This is the early stage, I am just starting to have the notion that I could drill into my skull
just to the inside of where my cheek bone begins, and squeeze out the infection.
like a pimple. then I too will be well.

I'ts 9:00am

it's an A.K. kinda day