some random shit to get off my chest

it seems than the more I have to do , the less I know what to do, and the more tired I get, presumably from stressing about all the things I have to do. And here's the shit of it. I'll never get to the things I want to do , unless I finish the things I have to do. Or is it better to take care of my own needs first? Well that's just it, my own needs are the things I need to do also.... ugh.. guess like most things in life, i just need to learn to balance all of these things. I also have a hard time prioritizing. Just a few flaws to point out. I don't like to dwell on this kind of stuff, think that is partially why i put it here. Jesus , what a fucking Whiner I am...reading back.... what the fuck am I writing about here?

fucked over

It hurts when you've been fucked over
It hurts worse when you fucked yourself over
It hurts even worse when you've fucked yourself and people you love over

I've once again let myself down and I've let my son down and my girl.
feeling pretty useless atm

fold in

Interesting our automatic response to pain is to fold in to our selves. Hit your thumb with a with a hammer, What do you automatically do? fold over try to push the pain back inside, like the old nasty golf Joke.... More interesting is that this also applies for emotional pain , once you are hurt , you fold into yourself and shut every thing else out and try to push the pain back in... even more interesting than that, is out lack of ability to unfold ourselves again. No matter how hard we try, it seems there is some undetermined amount of time that one is required for healing, and there doesn't seem to be an specific formula for any specific person as to how long it will take, or when one can accurately say "I'm healed". Of coarse "healing" and "healed" are just ideas, I use the words as descriptors. that'll have to be another post.

road to waste

Last night I started driving on the road to waste

weeknights out

went out to a bar last night...
saw this comment the next day form a good friend...

"man im jealous you guys get to party on weekdays!"

I angrily wanted to respond with, "FUCK YOU, I'm Jealous that you don't, consider the alternative of having your kids taken from you, every week and trying to drown the hurt with alcohol, sounds fun huh!?!"

obviously I wouldn't say this, and I know this person didn't mean anything by it. It is just my own hurt wanting to lash out..

this is a good example of our human nature.. the grass is always greener.
my grass is greener because I get some freedoms to do want on weeknights, even though I fill it up with other shit I have to do. I do enjoy Tuesday nights, my girlfriend go out and have fun. but I'd take the greener grass of having my kids with me every night any day.

sometimes I hate being human, but I suppose if we were all perfect, there'd be no point of being.

so what to do here?...

It's easy to say be happy with the POS car you drive, because it runs well, but it's not a corvette... It's not as easy to say be happy with having your children taken from you. Then again, it could be worse. I could not be able to see them at all. I know some people who's children are in other countries. or worse yet dead.

then again things can Always be worse.

I know in my heart what the right answer is. The hard part is getting my brain and emotions to comply.

does every one have tics of different degrees? I have what could be described as tics but very mild. but it is feeling relief from rapid movements.... hmm

oh and did I forget to mention, I officially old... yes "gettin the band back together"...lol

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every time he seizes my heart breaks a little
helplessly watching his mind go

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this is a test ,... I am now blogging from my phone.... good times

I hate Mondays

the Sadness has just transferred form Sunday night to Monday morning. I know that I should just be happy for what I have, especially now that I have a little extra time with my kids, but just like it was before, as soon as I have to give them up, I'm overwhelmed by the silence, their voices still ringing in my head, followed by Sadness and emptiness. I'm usually able to pull myself out of it, but it sometimes takes longer than others.

unsigned music

Got some great stuff this weekend .. Thank you Mr Thermo
I also got word that a box of all my old tapes may exist in my parents attic soemwhere
can't wait to see what's in there.

new hobby

I think I'm gonna look around for old unsigned garage band cassette tapes
especially from the late 80's early 90's era.
I assume being in Seattle, there must be a TON out there..
just gotta figure out who has em.
some names that come to mind

Confused!?
El-Steiner
Sad Happy
Sedated Souls
Black Happy
Sexy Freud and the Ego Whips
the Versatellers
Dickweed
MyName
Black Atmosphere
Grunt Truck

'course these are just bands that I knew or knew of back then. I'd love to get my hands on these tapes, but the real Prize would be the ones that were never heard!